I’m very good at making decisions in the heat of the moment as these moments are the only moments when I’m not conflicted in any way. Usually, these decisions are premature or REALLY premature as displayed the next day or even in the following few hours.
Holden Caulfield, Dean Moriarty, the Lisbon sisters, Heath Ledger, Alaska Young and Jessa Johanssen are examples of characters that encompass the aimless wanderers, the parasitic personalities we never understand and also the wonderful essence of instability we all crave against our daily responsibilities. These are very real, yet very romanticised notions of truth and beauty regarding human nature. This is the only love/hate experience I have had in my life when trying to find role models. There are Manic Pixie Dream Girl stock characters that I used to aim to be like so guys would like me yet in real life, these personalities are not substantial, they do not garner respect and leave a trail of destruction and longing behind when they inevitably start showing their true colors and piss off to their next short-term victim. There are numerous, shallow tumblr quotes pasted onto pictures of flowers, the beach and hipster photography, for example, “love like you have never been hurt”, “live wild and free”, “you are young, lose yourself”, “go off the grid”, “take chances”.
Let me give you a few “fo’ instance”s where the decisions I’ve made in a second have had a detrimental consequences on others:
- Buying plane tickets too early and with no set plans
- Seeing a cute rat at the petshop and buying it
- Deciding on career paths without actually looking into it properly
Taking that second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh tequila shot
Me (in a relationship): Wanna meet up? Guy (also in a relationship but not with me): Yeah :).
I look back on such moments and compare them to the decisions I have made that aren’t based on a new offer or recently learnt new information from a single source and I don’t know why I let myself be so easily led astray.This summer I have learnt that my decisions are 90% impulsive and once I’m in that headspace there is no arguing against me. This is a struggle I’m dealing with because now I don’t know what I want when asked at critical times. I’m not okay with not knowing, but I also know I cannot force myself, to will myself, to be a certain way or come to conclusions without being ready. That is something I should know already – I could not just will myself out of depression, it took a year of work.
When a friend pisses me off, I often want to delete them, but with this I can wait a day and I learn that it was a terrible thought. Other things I cannot wait for. For example, I am always tempted to reach out to anyone on my contacts list in order to get a moment of justification. I do not follow through with this except with my close friends. When I felt really bad once, I thought I needed to reach out to my ex or they guys I cheated on him with. This type of thinking shows no self-respect whatsoever, and I am proud I didn’t backslide or contact him/them in any way. I have never followed through with contacting people I shouldn’t have in months, but it doesn’t mean I haven’t written a message up and deleted it as soon as I was done.
That is why I’m needed to develop a foundation of healthy relationships between my friends, family and everyone I get close to. It’s all well and good to have fun and enjoy moments where I’m encouraging people to get out of their shell but I cannot just be that. A solid foundation can set-up sensible behavior from it in order to direct me, instead of an idea of what I want to be encouraging my impulses as good behavior. I cannot be so one track minded, there are so many variables and ACTUAL PEOPLE WITH ACTUAL FEELINGS involved in my life, and mine in theirs no matter how much I deny my affects.
Gong Xi Fa Cai from Sungai Petani, Malaysia. I’m feeling great, mostly from having my fun-loving family around, despite how loud they are. I havn’t had a drink since the first post :)