Day 1: Deciding to commit to change long term.

This is my new blog documenting my post-graduate 2014 in Dunedin. Without alcohol or pulling guys.

In the past few months I have made a number of mistakes – I cheated on my boyfriend with a mutual friend and I started drinking every weekend and multiple times every weekend. I became completely unaffected by the pain I was causing and I was even selfishly justifying the behavior. The consequences of this behavior has resulted in the loss of friends, trust and respect from others as well as respect for myself.

However, Boxing Day 2013 was the start of a turning point. This day consisted of the company of a very much unexpected guy who I didn’t really know well. I kept seeing him every day after that and he really brought out the best in me when I wasn’t over-drinking. He still does. The numbness in my mind was going away and I was seeing positive things as well as realities of human nature again. He also made me see that people are always going to surprise me in wonderful ways and that there is always hope, I was just getting too used to seeing the cycle of negative thoughts again. He also inspired me to write again, and it felt amazing. He gave me ideas, and the second night I wrote with him there, I get asked to have my article published on I am making changes for myself but he was the one who gave me the push and no matter what happens with our kind of relationship, that is something I am going to hold onto forever. I’m clearly not in a healthy place to take care of his needs in every way right now.

The last time I lost myself was in 2011, my first year of University when I started binge drinking and smoking Kronic, the synthetic cannabis. It resulted in poor grades for my papers that year, insomnia, depression and anxiety, the latter is what I am still dealing with today. After numerous counselling sessions at Student Health, a change in my degree, a few months on Temazepam, a year without caffeine or alcohol, and over a year of Fluoxetine I became better and it was like that time never happened. I had a very tame, sober 2012 with close friends and a healthy relationship with my now ex-boyfriend.

For right now, these are my priorities for the year

Situations I am avoiding:

  • Drinking alcohol at all, not even one drink
  • Situations and environments where I don’t feel strong enough to say no to a drink
  • Having heterosexual male friendships, besides the very important one I previously mentioned

I successfully avoided alcohol for the majority of 2012 and I can do it again for another year. Alcohol can be fun but I’m very good at abusing it. I have never had a male friend that was just a friend because the sex part always got in the way. I slept around because I could, because I liked knowing I could convince guys to have sex with me. I know I can’t trust myself around them anymore.

Situations I am putting first:

  • Thinking about how other people are affected by my behavior.
  • Developing and building trust on my relationships with my five close friends here in Dunedin and my more-than-a-friend.
  • Employment
  • Daily exercise

I am leaving for Malaysia for a month this coming weekend and its going to be a great time for me to reconnect with my mother who I think should know about my behavior this year.

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